I just made out with a guy for $7.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
COCAINE IS GR8
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
