my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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