I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
