I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
