We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
