You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
