At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
