i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
