Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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