i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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