a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
