meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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