Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
