so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
