He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
