just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
