Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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