i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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