Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The best revenge is premature balding
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
