Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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