You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
