I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
