Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
