oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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