watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
