I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
