My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
