Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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