I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
