im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
