I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
