Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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