just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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