omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
