I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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