my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
