I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
As shirtless as possible
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Vodka?
Forever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
