Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
