I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
