if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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