It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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