Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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