Plan B is the new Plan A
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Randomize
