My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
