Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
