guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
