thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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