ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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