This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
