Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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