Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We're too hungover to prance.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
