Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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