alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
