He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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